Masala Moyles

L is for....

2008-02-02T03:53:00.000-08:00

... yes folks, I hate to admit it but I lost.

Just three months ago I was set a series of challenges to complete on my Asian Adventure. I embraced them with as much zeal as the China Challenges and felt quietly confident that I would again redeem the prize. Alas the small matter of geography now stands in my way.

The reason I can no longer complete my Asian challenges is because - I'm in Oz!!!

I had planned to go back to india (and commence the challenges) after Sri Lanka but I loved it there so much that I stayed a little longer than expected, various visas ran out and ultimately I got a standby flight to Oz.

So.... Miche, Dave, EmmaJo, Masky & Ant it is with heavy heart that I have to report that I failed you. I did however get to drive a tuk tuk round India which was definitely one of my highlights of the trip, and even more important than that I got a fiance. So at least some good came out of it!!!

And on another upside, I am now in a country where Policemen wear hotpants on bikes!!

So, I'm a big, fat, loser and I can't claim the prize but I'll sum up my feelings using the words of a very wise local this afternoon... No wucking Forries.

Love to you all and cheers for reading
... now what to call the Ozzie blog???

My lap of luxury.

2008-01-25T05:36:00.000-08:00

Last week a group called the LTTE blew up a public bus killing 25 people. Since then I have promised my (heavily pregnant & hormonally charged) sister that I will not travel on these buses any more.

Not a hardship really as it gave me an excuse to upgrade to a luxury bus.

Thus I found myself this afternoon paying a whole 30p extra to board my first deluxe A/C bus, to take me half way across Sri Lanka.

The first thing I notice on entering the bus is that A/C obviously stands for contaminated air, and I don't mean the usual farty, sweaty, urine smell - this was more like a rotting animal corpse. Inspection of my seat did not lead to the discovery of anything dead so I plonked myself down a whole 30 minutes early and got ready for the adventure to begin.

The scene outside could best be described as a cross between Kings Cross in rush hour meets Wembley on match day. There's a man outside the bus screaming the destination, which, lets for argument sake is Leeds, and it goes something like this...............
Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDS!!!!
Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDS!!!!
Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDS!!!!

The bus rapidly fills up as people keep disappearing behind me into the tardis like back of the bus.

Still 15 minutes to go and all seats are taken. Still the man screams
Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDS!!!!
Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDS!!!!
Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDS!!!!

5 minutes to go and it's standing room only.

By the time the conductor-cum-mechanic-cum-racing car driver finally takes up his position in the front seat, I can no longer see the "Maximum 22 people" sign as there are at least 37 heads obscuring my vision.

But at least we're on the move.

We slowly proceed out of the bus garage as the driver screams out of the window...
Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDS!!!!
Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDS!!!!
...and even more people keep jumping on.

At least I have a seat.

The one thing about Sri Lankan buses that amused me when I first started travelling, is that if there are no seats left and you are forced to stand, then you put your belongings on the lap of a seated passenger without so much as a 'would you mind?'. It's just common practice. It confused me no end the first time a man stood (alarmingly close to my head) and dropped his coat and umbrella in my lap.

Anyhows on my latest little journey I have discovered that this practice does not stop at shopping and bags. Whilst seated in my 'deluxe A/C' seat this morning, I was more than a little shocked when someone handed me a child!!!!!! I swear to you, I am not making this up. Even my imagination isn't THAT vivid.

It (I still have no idea of its gender) then proceeded to eat my hair!!!!! Much to the amusement of its father - who refused the offer of my seat and was obviously glad of the break.

To add to this scene of joy, the old codger sitting next to me used my distracted state to his advantage and spent most of the journey 'accidentally' brushing his elbow across my chest.

There is an old saying that goes .... "you get what you pay for." Well I'm here to tell you it's crap. I payed for a deluxe a/c bus and got molested and eaten.

Sorry Sis, a promise is one thing but nappy rash in your face for five hours is another. I'll take my chances on the public bus any day!!!!

Early Bird...

2008-01-25T05:29:00.000-08:00

Question: Guess where I was at 2am this morning? (Alas the answer doesn't involve the words Brad Pitt, Baby Lotion or the board game Twister.)

Answer: I was walking up a flight of stairs. All 5200 of them to be exact and it took me THREE very long hours.

This is a piccie of me taken at 2243m as the sun is starting to shine through. I've been told more than once that my head is in the clouds - now I can prove it! Alas it is a bit dark but I assure you its me!

I wouldn't mind but when I made it back down (one and a half crippling hours later) I naturally felt like I'd earned a nice big brekkie.

I hobbled into the nearest cafe and the waitress proceeded to stroke my belly and say 'you having baby?'

OUCH!

I nearly choked on my five slices of butter and jam on toast.

I mean whatever made her think I was eating for two??

Giddy-up Geeta

2008-01-25T05:27:00.000-08:00

There is a place in Sri Lanka called Nuwara Eliya, also known as Little England and not surprisingly when I arrive - it's raining!

On quick inspection there's a country club, a golf course and my own personal UK favourite - a racetrack. Ascot it ain't as half of it is dug up and the other half is being used as a cricket pitch, but on this particular day I could just about make out some equestrian activity on the outside track. It seems on Sunday morning's the racetrack is let out to the local pony club for a wee bit of training.

With a distinct lack of actual races during the 'off' season, local gamblers have also got wind of this practice and there's a bit of 'under the table' action going down. And so it is I find myself on a wet Sunday morning screaming my head off as Pippy longstockings and her mates canter the beejesus out of some poor donkeys, all because I've bet about 20p on the outcome.

Am I proud of myself? - No.

Was it morally wrong? Probably.

Did I win? Too damn right I did !!!!

It's the end of the world as we know it.....

2008-01-22T03:05:00.000-08:00

.......and I have to say what a very pretty sight it is.

Fear not folks, I have not had a near death experience and am not about to bleat on about long corridors with bright lights. There is a much easier way to see the end of the world. Just walk there.

This is me sitting at the end of the world, or WORLDS END as it is correctly called. I can't say I've often thought about the end of the world, but if I did, I don't think I'd envisage German tourists and a tuck shop.
Ho Hum.

Despite going to the end of the world, I live to see another day.... although I was halfway through my (decidedly stale and chewy) cornflakes this morning before I realised about 57 ants were doing breast stroke in the milk.

It's the end of the world as we know it and I don't feel fine, I feel a small stomach upset coming on if you must know!!

Bye Bye the Fab Four

2008-01-17T22:46:00.000-08:00

There are two reasons for the title of this entry.

Firstly Sue was dispatched back to Blighty last week and is no doubt back at her desk being all big and important. Whilst Andy & Nuala continued on their round the world tip (without me) and are currently circumnavigating Kuala Lumpur.

The second reason is that at the end of our little elephant safari (see entry below), the guide asked me if I had ever seen the Beatles in concert!!!!!!

Now I know I'm getting on a bit but surely I don't look like Yoko Ono just yet. I'm starting to think the no make-up look just aint working out for me.

So here I am, alone again, sitting in a Sri Lankan internet cafe trying to decide what to do next.

Unfortunately there are stirrings of a civil war brewing here so I may be zig-zagging my way back to the airport Kate Adie stylie. I could be joining me old friend John Lennon, sooner than expected!!! Wish me luck x

A cultural exchange in the jungle

2008-01-15T03:15:00.000-08:00

Before dispatching Sue back to the 'real world' we hooked up with Andy & Nuala for a wee safari in search of some nellies. All very amusing zooming around in the back of a jeep and I'm glad to say we spotted a family of five (including a little baby one) thumping around the countryside.

Most fun was had however when our driver and guide served up dinner on the boot of the jeep and lit a camp fire. After a few swigs of local rum and a nice belly full of fish they decided to entertain us with some songs. Joined by a couple of friends they delivered a fair few 'rebel' songs and patriotic anthems. After watching for a while they asked if we could perhaps sing a song from our country.

After much deliberation between the four of us and a fair bit of disagreement, we finally decided on the only song we all knew the words to. So in the middle of nowhere in front of a group of increasingly merry sri-lankan locals, we broke into a somewhat amateur version of Y.M.C.A (with actions!!!). I'm glad to say we went down a storm and they loved it.

We followed this up with a slightly jumbled version of 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight'. Very fitting we thought, given our safari-like surroundings, but alas it all got a bit silly when we hit the ....Ah wee um bum ba ways!!!

Given the spontaneous nature of our performance we didn't have a camera on hand to record our x-factor audition piece. So when I asked later if we could pose for a picture YMCA stylie, to put on my blog, Andy point blank refused to admit it had ever happened and is denying he ever took part.

He is also denying that he has a man-bag, is wearing a boy bangle and recently had his nails painted (all in the name of culture of course!) Me think he doth protest too much!

All together now... "It's fun to stay at the ......."

Where's the lift?

2008-01-10T02:32:00.000-08:00

As followers of my blog will know by now, the arrival of Sue always coincides with a spell of cultural inactivity. Yes there are drunken stories and blurred piccies but there's never much in the way of sightseeing. Thus I decided that this time would be different.

Before allowing her to relax on the beach I forced poor Miss Kelly to endure at least one day of sightseeing and decided upon Sigiriya (also known as a huge big rock). As you can see from the piccie, it is very nice to look at,but it is even better to climb.

Despite a huge fear of heights and an allergy towards any form of exercise whatsoever, Skelly donned an attractive MAC IN A SAC and headed on up.

I am therefore very proud of the fact that this piccie is of us both sitting on top of said rock. There may have been some blaspheming along the way but she made it.

As promised we then came to a beach so don't expect any blogging for a while. I can summarise in advance...

Beach, lunch, pool, dinner, drinks, bed, hangover.... Beach, lunch, pool, dinner, drinks, bed, hangover.... Beach, lunch, pool, dinner, drinks, bed, hangover.... Beach, lunch, pool, dinner, drinks, bed, hangover.... Beach, lunch, pool, dinner, drinks, bed, hangover....

A Crappy New Year

2008-01-10T01:46:00.000-08:00

Two things arrived on New Years Eve. One of them was great (Sue) and one of them was shit (literally!). Yes it seems that a little bit of a Delhi Belly hangover decided to accompany me on the flight to Sri Lanka. Sue's arrival from the UK was therefore slightly marred by the fact that most of our catch up conversations took place through a toilet door (albeit it a Hilton toilet door!).

Obviously not one to be a party pooper (pardon the pun), I washed down a double dose of immodium with some champers and cocktails and still made it out for a boogie.

Unfortunately I spent most of the night on a porcelain throne and alas that's exactly where I found myself during the opening bars of Auld Lang Syne. I rushed out of the loos at breakneck speed to try and make it to the dance floor for at least a couple of seconds hand holding and jumping around, only to find out that it was only 11.55pm and the band were practising.

Who the hell 'practices' Auld Lang Syne at five to twelve on New Years Eve ?!?!?

Thankfully it gave me enough time to finish my business and much to my own relief I managed to welcome in the new year surrounded by Sue, Andy, Nuala, an array of silly hats and balloons.... and not, as I had feared, on my own in the crapper!

I hope you all had equally 'accident' free celebrations wherever you were and that you're already enjoying 2008!

xx HAPPY NEW YEAR xx

T.F.O

2008-01-10T01:22:00.000-08:00

Question: Can you guess the FIRST three words out of my mouth on the LAST day of 2007? I'll give you a clue. The initials are T.F.O.

Terrifying Flying Object perhaps? Random but no!
Tasty Fried Orangutan? Well it was breakfast and I was entering a restaurant, but funnily enough it's a No.

Alas the first words out of my mouth on the last day of 2007 were in fact those of a familiar request .... TABLE FOR ONE!

Yes, I'm afraid it is with heavy heart that I have to report my Indian engagement was a sham. I am no longer destined to live a seedy married life in the underbelly of Delhi and alas I had to fly fiance-free to Sri Lanka.

But before you start to feel sorry for me on my little table for one, I should point out that the table in question was at the Hilton, yes that's right I said the HILTON, where I had booked myself in for new year.

So yes, I may have been signing off yet another year as a sad spinster but at least I was doing it with an all butter almond croissant in my hand!!!

(and did I mention it was in the HILTON !!!!!)

Happy Christmas from India

2007-12-26T03:55:00.001-08:00

As you probably know Jesus and the whole stable story isn't very big news in India, so tracking down a bit of crimbo memorabilia was no mean feat. Here is me and the Irish one saying our goodbyes before heading our separate ways for the holidays.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

I hope you have/had a lovely chilled time with your family and friends.

Love you lots and look forward to seeing you all at some stage in 2008

Stay happy, safe and enjoy yourself as much as you possibly can

Vic xxx

I do, I do, I don't

2007-12-18T00:10:00.000-08:00

Here I am at the Taj Mahal, posing for my tourist-tastic piccie.

The reason it is such a significant photo is because it was the last one taken of me as a single girl. Yes that's right, I"M ENGAGED!!!

There is only one small problem...... I got engaged more than once.

As was requested of me I shunned the delights of the worlds most photographed building and instead concentrated my efforts on finding a man.

Scanning the crowds for the first suitable candidate, I plunged down on one knee as white jumper man was approaching, only for him to laugh and say NO!

Not one to take rejection kneeling down, I decided that an older man was perhaps the way forward. Enter candidate number two. And wouldn't you know, he was delighted and it was a resounding YES (much to the confusion of his accompanying wife!).

Brimming with new found confidence I jumped into proposal number 3. Another YES! Perhaps then too confident, I jumped on green shirt man with such vigour that he didn't even wait to hear the end of the question. He look horrified and literally ran away.

Two YES and two NO. It was all to play for in the final hit. I took my time and choose my target well. Along came little black & White jumper man with his welcoming face and happy demeanor. Surely he was only biding his time at the Taj till an older western woman came to sweep him off his feet!

I made my approach, gently took his hand in mine, lowered myself to the ground and uttered the immortal line ..... "WILL YOU MARRY ME?" He lowered his eyes to meet mine, smiled his beautiful, innocent smile, giggled a little and said ...... 'no'.

What?!?!?!?!

I was gutted.

Dejected and deflated I dragged myself up and shuffled away humiliated.

But wait, Nuala shouted. He's coming back.

And so he was.

"I change mind" he smiled. "Ask me again"

So swallowing what little pride I had left, I once again got down on bended knee and repeated the crucial line.

"YES, YES" he beamed. "I will marry you" swiftly followed by "where do you live?"

Some might say he was looking for a green card but I know it was love at second sight!

So my future husband and I will be heading back to the UK any day now. Engagement presents at the ready.....

I'll have a P please Bob

2007-12-18T00:06:00.000-08:00

True Story...

We were sitting outside a restaurant last night and my friend Andy needed the loo. It was quite a decent restaurant and when Andy asked the waiter the way to the toilet, the waiter politely said he'd show him the way.

He took him to the side of the restaurant and said 'Is Indian toilet OK?', when Andy replied 'yes', the waiter pointed to the side wall of the restaurant and said 'there you go'.

BRILLIANT!

A Tomboy at Last

2007-12-18T00:00:00.000-08:00

When I was growing up I was always jealous my sister was called Terrie. I wanted a boy's name! Well I have finally got my wish. In India Vicky is a boys name.

When the children ask my name and I say Vicci, they repeat 'Nicky?' the girls equivalent. I say 'No', 'Vicci' which results in them falling about laughing, or pointing 'you a boy', 'you a boy' as just happened outside the internet cafe.

Maybe it's time to start growing my hair long again !!

Absolutely Charming

2007-12-15T08:11:00.001-08:00

Never one to look a gift horse (or gift snake) in the mouth, I happened upon this wee boy and his slimy friend outside a fort in Jaipur. Quite bemused that I wanted to do the 'charming' myself, he handed over the whistle and watched me poo myself as I blew into it and the snake shot out my way!!! I'm happy to admit that I was terrified as Andy kept telling me he hadn't quite got a picture and could I get a bit closer. In hindsight, I don't know what was more dangerous, antagonizing a snake OR putting the gob filled whistle near my mouth.

Another challenge ticked off and I live to see another day!

Mirror, Signal ...sod that, just go !!

2007-12-13T01:19:00.000-08:00

Second week and time to attempt a second challenge. As you can't walk down the streets of Udaipur without being run over by a tuk, tuk, I decided it was time to get in the driving seat and pick myself up a fare. Not one to take to the roads lightly, I decided that a driving lesson was definitely the way forward. Enter TIGER, the best Tuk, Tuk driver in India. After crossing his palm with silver (or a smelly, tattered note to be precise) he let me take charge of his machine.

Believe it or not, the words duck to water come to mind. I totally had it pinned from the off. I was expecting to complete this challenge by getting a passenger to let me start up the engine and chug a few metres down the road. Oh no. The lovely lady in the pic is Caitlin a 20-year-old student from Melbourne and she had a 25 minute sightseeing tour of Udaipur with me at the helm (and Tiger's foot hovering over the brake!!). God love her, she even paid me.

Job done.

I am now fully trained in how to hold my hand permanently on the horn whilst one handedly navigating a roundabout and blasting bollywood tunes from the boot!!

Definitely one of the most fun (if somewhat hair-raising) things I have done in India so far!!!

Lola lends a hand

2007-12-08T04:09:00.001-08:00

Less than a week in and I've got one of the challenges under my belt already. The first piccie is of a lovely camel called Lola, and the second pic is of me, in a sari, on the lovely camel.

This in itself may not seem too impressive. Buy a sari, find a camel - job done!

In principle, I agree.

The real reason you should admire my completion of this challenge is because the night before the challenge, I was struck with my first bout of Delhi Belly in the desert. Just prior to having this pic taken I had emptied the contents of my stomach in the sand. Two hours later, after alighting the camel, I projectile vomited over three people in the back of a jeep - how NOT to make friends in India. Ho Hum.

If I had also taken piccies of the other people mad enough to get up at 6 O'Clock in the morning to ride a camel, you would have noticed a lot of jumpers, scarfs, hoodies and hats. It was more than a tad chilly.

Please note that although it looks like I am wearing a particularly unstylish purple tracksuit, I assure you there is a hell of a lot of sari tucked in my pants !!!!

Sari Angels

2007-12-05T23:44:00.000-08:00

Forget Charlie's Angels, I think I'm on to a winner with my latest Bollywood script idea....

Sari's Angels!!!

Mrs Vicci Ramjeet

2007-12-05T23:31:00.000-08:00

Since arriving in India I have discovered I am 'very fine', I am also 'mighty fine' and on one occasion was known to be 'sexy fine'. It seems I have finally found my market. Given this enthusiastic reception from the opposite sex, I have decided I am in a perfect place to find a husband. Thea, my friend in Delhi is threatening to put my profile in the local paper. Unlike our personal ads that run to a couple of lines and dodgy abbreviations I can never understand (G.S.O.H, W.A.N.K etc), dating is a serious business here and you pretty much have to divulge your CV. Apparently because of my skin colour, caste and education, I could be a bit of a catch. However because I'm an old bird, I have to knock off a few bachelorette points. I have no kids, so again that is a bonus, but you have to declare your salary so I'm pretty buggered in that department as well. Believe it or not they even print their fathers profession and his income on the ads.

I have decided to forgo the media middleman and head straight to a serious no nonsense source. Enter 'The Mathchmaker'. Expect an announcement of my engagement any day now.

And on the subject of dating, I think singletons in London could learn a lot from couples over here. As you can see from my lovely piccie, each house is painted with the names of the occupants and the date they got married (in very tasteful green lovehearts). So the next time a guy picks you up in a bar and invites you back to his, you can pretty much call it a day as soon as you see Kev & Shaz 1992 printed on his cul-de-sac semi !!!! It would certainly save a lot of heartbreak in the long run!

The Challenges

2007-11-28T05:45:00.000-08:00

I'm blogging again so that can I only mean one thing.... I'm on the move again !!

Followers of my recent adventures will no doubt remember Challenge China, which resulted in me jumping on a soldiers back, lying down in Tianmen Square, eating Yak intestines and liberating a china man's underpants !!

Well my weird and wacky 'friends' have once again joined forces and I am proud to present to you... Challenge India.

THE CHALLENGES (in no particular order of how much they scare me!!)

===============

1. Propose to five strangers on bended knee outside the Taj Mahal

2. Race an Indian lady whilst balancing a head basket

3.Get a piggy back ride from an Indian man

4. Charm a snake

5. Lie on a bed of nails

6. Complete a journey and charge a fare from a passenger riding a rickshaw

7. Ride an elephant whilst drinking Malibu

8. Offer to cook an Indian family a curry

9. Wear a sari whilst riding a camel

It may seem strange to have an odd number like 9. There are in fact 10 challenges but the last one is a bit x-rated and my nan might read this, so for now I'm keeping schtum! I can only do it in Australia (apparently) so if I actually do it - I promise to tell you when I get there!!

Wish me luck and stay in touch

I'm headng back to my hotel now and am guessing at least 5 men will call me 'sexy fine' before I get there. You've gotta love India!!!

Love Vic xxxx